You never feel like you get to be a part of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. nerd! Yeah, nerds are inventive, right? Let's make him a snorting, glasses-wearing dork! You know what, just make him Simon from Alvin and the Chipmunks. Their personalities are nothing but typecasting: Leo is the serious control-freak, Raphael the brooding B.A., Michelangelo is a goof-ball, and Donatello is the inventive.
There were times when the movie tried to force something humorous, but in the theater I was in, no one laughed. Close enough." Yes, the Turtles are kind of funny, but it's completely incidental. "You know what? Just make 'em fight with ninja weapons, put lots and lots of blades around, and be sure the word 'Japan' gets into someone's origin story somewhere.
His appearance, fighting-style, and overall awkwardness are all loud, awful reminders of how the filmmakers knew nothing about ninjutsu or how to use it. That "honor" would go to William Fichtner's character, Eric sounds-like-sex Sacks. The guy is somewhere between a clunky Power Ranger villain (the ones in great big suits that don't move very well) and Bane from "Batman and Robin." He doesn't even fill the main villain role. That's a whole other useless incorporation. Seriously, it's just sandwiched in there somewhere and plays no relevance to the story whatsoever, nor has an identifying presence for any character, even Splinter or Shredder. The idea of ninjutsu, though, is a complete afterthought. The Mutants part as well, though it does play loosely into the plot (heh, just kidding, there is no plot). The movie lets the Turtles aspect be self-implied. They're not so much teenagers as they are just dumb.
Just, really, they had no clue how to make those four elements work.
Where are the Turtles going to go? What are they going to do when they get there? Is it going to be spring time or winter? Should it be in the city or in the mountains? Low to the ground in dark settings or high up on roof tops in broad daylight? Are the Turtles stealthy ninjas or mini-Hulks that just needlessly destroy stuff? And are they main characters or secondary plot pieces? Is April O'Neil tech savvy, or does she still conduct interviews with pen and paper? (Through the first half-hour, perhaps even by the end of the film, you'll have a tough time convincing yourself the title shouldn't have been "April O'Neil: The Movie.") It's very evident that the writers did not know how to work with "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles." Again, this has nothing to do with a faithfulness to any kind of version of TMNT. The movie has no real sense of identity, like the filmmakers really had no idea what to do with it. It's so bad, I don't understand how the current rating stands at 6 stars. Though I have a version of the Turtles I like best, I can set aside that prejudice for this review. Adam West, Michael Keaton, Christian Bale, and Ben Affleck all play different versions of Batman in different universes. Every telling of the story deserves its own version, like Dracula, Sherlock Holmes, or Batman. And I'm not just reviewing it as a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. Folks, it's no exaggeration when I say this one is bad.